The Mad, Mad World of Michael
by Tamayo
Summary: Michael Winchester, the son of K and Judy, has become aware of his ill state of mind in his twentieth year, and decides to see a therapist. Parody script - CHAPTER 2 UPLOADED! ^_^
1. "I can't believe I did the whole team!"

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Title: The Mad, Mad World of Michael.

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Rating: R - language and possible situations

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Notes: This is a fanfiction based on the manga version of Maki Murukami's _Gravitation _series. The central character is Michael Winchester, the son of K and Judy - Michael doesn't appear at all in the anime, and Judy appears only as a keyring ^^;;;. In the manga Michael is only five years old, however in this fic he is the ripe age of twentyI thought it would be in poor taste to write about a minor getting therapy ^_^;;. I first tried writing this as a narrative, but I couldn't quite do what I wanted to using that techniqueso it'll just have to be one of those parody scripts that are all the rage right now! Absolutely no insult to the characters or specific people is intended in the following writing, I love them just as much as everyone else ^_^enjoy!

As a side note, this is also **FULL OF SPOILERS** - you were warned!

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SESSION ONE - "I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THE WHOLE TEAM!"

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Michael Winchester has just arrived fifteen minutes late to his first therapy session. A middle-aged woman in a long, frumpy skirt looking much less than impressed greets him.

Michael: [stammering.] S-sorry I'm lateI was waiting for my father at the hairdresser'shis appointment clashed with mine. 

Therapist: [Under her breath.] Oh GodI can see where this is heading[Rolls eyes.] Sit down Michael and let's get started. Firstly, how are you feeling right now?

Michael: Well, I'm a little tired actuallyI stayed up watching "_When sex-changing surgery goes bad Part III_" on cable. Whew, I'm glad I said no to _that_ now that I've seen what can happen!

Therapist: [Astounded.] Okaywell my name is Betty, and my job is to help you in situations like thisI have a feeling this isn't the _only _thing wrong with you!

Michael: You want problems? My list is a mile long! First, my parents virtually abandoned me as a youth to work on their **[choke.] **"Side projects", which included, but are not limited to:

Maintaining a gun fetish, shooting people, managing a top 20 Japanese rock band with a nineteen year old homosexual lead singer, acting in "adult" movies, blackmailing and working briefly for the Secret Service. [Takes a deep breath.]

Betty: [falls out of chair.] How are you still alive Michael?! Any _normal _person would have hurled themselves from a tall building, or at least be carving Marilyn Manson lyrics into their forearms with a blunt pencil!

Michael: Oh it's not as bad as that, sometimes I got to hang out with Uncle Touma!

Betty: [raises an eyebrow.] Who is "Uncle Touma"?

Michael: He's the manager of NG corporation, and he was ---

Betty: [explodes and flies around room.] THE SAME TOUMA THAT FORMED "NITTLE GRASPER"?!

Michael: The very same! 

Betty: [ecstatic.] Oh you just _have _to set us up sometime! Here's my home address and phone number, my favorite color is red, I like long walks along beaches, I cut my toenails twice a week and I hate yo-yos

Michael: Youyou didn't let me finish

Betty: [looks at Michael, puzzled.]

Michael: Touma is married to the very scary, very beatnik Mika for starters, however he is bisexual and the person he is most in love with is Eiri Yuki, I don't know what he sees in him thoughbroody bastard. [Grumbles.] All that aside though, he's managed to knock up Mika and now they have a child as well, so you might want to stick to Personals columns and Chippendales shows. 

Betty: [bounces a stress ball off his forehead.] Thanks for the tip. Now, the points you made earlier about your parents have disturbed me somewhat. What are their names?

Michael: Crawd and Judy.

Betty: Hmmnow Judy is your motherright?

Michael: [glare.] Right!

Betty: You say one of your parents worked in the adult film industryis Crawd still in this business?

Michael: [jumps up and down.] WHY WOULD MY FATHER WORK IN ADULT FILMS?!

Betty: Hey, come on - look what I have to work with here!

Michael: YeahI guess[defeated frown.]

Betty: Did you ever see these movies containing your _mother_?

Michael: [pauses, then breaks down in tears.] Yes. My god yes. Hehe took me to my mother's latest film at the time of my eighteenth birthday

Betty: Who is "he"? Certainly not your father!

Michael: Yes, my father! He took all his friends to see them every time they came out for godssake!

Betty: What a terribly sick individual. Tsk Tsk. Did this give you a bad view of your mother?

Michael: What do you think? The woman who gave birth to me starring in "_I can't believe I did the whole team!_" Leave it up to your imagination! I didn't even realize it was her for the first hour, I didn't see her that much, until Dad pointed her out under two large men that seemed to be doing some sort of floppy dance with herI didn't quite work that part out either

Betty: [thinking to herself.] _This guy has problems, I've never heard of such negligence! He must hate them to bitsI know I would. Fancy taking your only son to porn film starring his own mother! If I were he I'd --_

Michael: But you know what? I really admire them.

Betty: [choke.]

Michael: My father, between the random English, shooting and blackmailing everyone in his wake, was the most admirable man in my world.

Betty: More admirable than [squeal.] Touma? How is that so?

Michael: He was versatile enough to go from the American Secret Service to managing Sakuma Ryuichi when he moved to the US and coming back to Japan to manage BAD LUCK, he was a crack shot - no matter how illegal it may seem, and he really was a loving father when he saw me. I remember the feeling I got when I saw his flowing blonde hair flicking in the distance

Betty: [gets out violin.]

Michael: He'd stride with confidence oozing out of every orifice towards me, bellowing "SUPER MANAGER! YEAH!" to everyone in earshot, then he would bend down and scoop me up in one fluid motionhe nearly always scraped my leg on his magnum, but I dealt with that.

Betty: [in awe of his admiration.] I really admire the respect you have for your father, despite his ill-moral way of bringing you up. What about your mother? 

Michael: [spit.] She's a whore! 

Betty: Hmmseeing that video of her exploiting herself couldn't have helped your relationship with her. That really wasn't intended for your viewing though, was it?

Michael: [holds up battered video copy of "_I can't believe I did the whole team_" with a card attached reading: "To dear Michael, Merry Christmas! Love always, Mama xoxo" ]

Betty: Sweet JesusThis is going to require some more probing

Michael: [pulls down pants.] Wellall right, but this is the last time I'll let it happen!

Betty: Not _that _sort of probing! I mean in our next session together!

Michael: [embarrassed.] Oh.of course you did. [Zip.]

Betty: Thank you for coming, I'm looking forward to talking with you next weekbut next time, leave the guns at home please. [Slaps away gun held at her temple.]

Michael: Sorryit's genetic! [Grin.] See you next week Doc!

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Michael walks out feeling pleased and relieved with himself. He begins thinking to himself about the day's events.

Michael: [thinking.] _Was that whole session a complete reflection on my obvious sexual frustration and manic depression due to my insolvent upbringing? Nah_

[Scene ends with Michael walking away, "Sleepless Beauty" playing loudly on his headphones.]

Find out more in the next session!


	2. The Hat.

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Title: The Mad, Mad World of Michael.

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Rating: R - situations and language

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Notes: A very special thank-you goes out to my best friend Shiori for her brainstorming and help in making this chapter. I appreciate it very much!

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SESSION TWO - THE HAT

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Michael sits in the waiting room of the psychiatric center awaiting his appointment. He is fifteen minutes early this time, and is in relaxed, content spirits.

Michael: [stares around, checking out the other patients waiting and thinking to himself.] _Whew, it's daunting coming in to see a therapist on your own free will. I don't think I'm as"in need" as these other people are though[sees a woman at the far end of the room screaming abuse at the indoor pot plant.]_

Woman: Come on! Fight like a man! We were married for fifteen years before you ran out with that cheap trollop! Do you honestly think I wouldn't recognize your voice as soon as you walked in? Huh? Huh?

[Nurse rushes over to console the woman.]

Nurse: AhMadame? Why don't you come and sit over here? [Points to seat next to a man with a padded helmet on.] 

Woman: Humph! That's what my husband said, then an anvil dropped out of the sky and hit me! Boom! Straight in the head! 

Nurse: [leading woman back to her seat.] Well, that explains _everything_.

Michael: [sigh.] I'm so bored, it takes me back to the times I was left to mill around in the gutter while my parents were awayI might as well read a magazine I guess[picks up copy of _Penthouse _magazine from January 1993 from under a stack of pamphlets.]

Hmm"Top Ten Sexiest Women that Put Out" specialthis I _have _to see! [Eagerly flips open to the article, only to see his mother spread out over a chair in a sleazy French maid's uniform - completely underwear-less.] 

Michael: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THIS IS _NOT _HAPPENING! [Fans himself with his hand and wipes away tears.] BETTY! HELP!

Betty: [Rushes out of room, doing up her shirt.] What on Earth is going on in here?

Everyone: [Shrugs.]

Michael: [stupefied.] Mama

Betty: Oh goodness, you'd better come straight in! [Leads Michael into her room, is stopped by a security guard coming out, zipping his fly.] 

Security Guard: Thanks for that, same time next week Esmerelda? [Licks teeth.]

Betty: [goes bright red.] Uhof course! [Drags Michael into room.]

Michael: Huh? Who's Esmerelda?

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Betty sits Michael down, casually kicking a bra under her desk. She had been expecting him, only not quite as petrified and humiliated as he currently was.

Betty: You're in quite a state Michael, what is the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost! Or, possibly some sort of plastic surgery

Michael: [thrusts magazine at Betty.] Why do you have this in your office?! Is this some kind of hideous, humiliating set up?! [Draws gun to her temple.]

Betty: What have I told you about using that thing near me, or at all for that matter!

Michael: Sorry. I'm just a little up set over the art---

Betty: EEK! WHO IS THIS FETID WENCH?! HEATHEN! INFIDEL! [Starts flailing her arms about and looking for a crucifix.]

Michael: [cough.] That's Judy, my mother.

Betty: OhI see[uncomfortable silence.] You must be very proud!

Michael: I'm not proud of it, I am accustomed to it though. [Sigh.] The last place I expected to see it was here though!

Betty: [scribbling on notepad.] You seem very resentful towards Judy, but you haven't told me anything about her, other than she isa whore. 

Michael: She was a good mother when she wanted to be, and deep down she loved meI knew that just by looking at her face when she saw me. It softened, and that vivacious, impenetrable exterior melted away. Nothing stopped her work though, and she had Papa wrapped around her little fingerher little conniving finger of knavery. [Growl.]

Betty: Well, when you put it _that _way!   
  
Michael: Then, of course, there was the little matter of the hat.

Betty: The hat?

Michael: The hat. [Silence.]

Betty: Was this some sort of satanic ritual? [Takes a deep breath.] Your parents foisted a hat upon you and chanted demonic spells while you danced around a fire?

Michael: [reels back in horror.] No! Something tells me you saw _The Craft _last night[suspiciously eyes Betty, who is sitting in her chair in a black smock painting her fingernails black.]

Betty: Yes[nervous grin.] Tell me more about this hat!

Michael: [Takes a deep breath.] Okay. Let me tell of the origin of the cursed hat! [Dramatic lightening and thunder in the background.]

Betty: [Yawn.]

Michael: It all started on my fifth birthday[wavy flashback sequence.]

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Scene cuts to a cute little five-year-old Michael sitting at his kitchen table, surrounded in books and scraps of paper. He is a highly intelligent child, and he is trying to conquer world hungerthat is until K, his father, interrupts him:

K: Big News! It is Michael's fifth birthday! My little boy is growing up fast! [Scoops him up.]

Michael: Papa, I have nearly found the solution to world hungerand just in time for Sesame Street too! [Beam.] Is Papa proud?

K: [Looking at him puzzled, he picks up one of the books from the table and can't read it.] I know what you need, there's a carnival in town - wanna go? You love clowns, remember when Sakano dressed up as a clown?

Michael: [Nearly in tears.] Uncle Sakano only dressed up like a clown because Papa threatened to shoot him! 

K: Hmm[thinking to himself.] _I can shoot things at the carnival - only this time I won't get arrested! Shuuichi will be okay to practice by himself; Hiro usually manages to keep him in lineit's settled! SUPER CARNIVAL! _

OK! We're off to the carnival, put away those books - we have to go before your mother gets home!  


Michael: Papa, isn't Mama playing the bearded lady in the carniv-- [K clamps his mouth shut and speeds off out the door.]

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K and Michael arrive at the carnival at dusk, ready for their fun-filled adventureno matter how reluctant a member of the party may be

K: Carnivals are great! Now where's that damn sideshow alley[scans the area.]

Michael: Look Papa! A merry-go-round! Can we ride it? [Looks around for K.] Papa? [Sees him running at full speed towards the shooting gallery.] PAPA!

K: Excuse me, can I try out my shooting skills? Oh, and do I get a discount if I use my own gun? [Draws his magnum from his shoulder holster, scattering the screaming crowd around him.]

Michael: [Backs away slowly, is yanked back close to K's side.]

Carnie: Okay buddy, you'd better try your "skills" with our weaponshit three ducks and you win a fabulous prize! [Evil chuckle.]

K: Watch Papa son, he'll win you a teddy! [Aims the gun.]

Michael: [Cringe.]

K: [Fires gun and blows first duck to pieces, showering the Carnie in fragments of wood.]

Carnie: [Cough, splutter.] Two to go!

K: This gun is a piece of shit! [Scowl.] I much prefer my arsenal!

Carnie and Crowd: Ar-sen-al? [Panic.]

K: [Pulls out vast array of weapons.] Hmmbazooka? Nowhat about my faithful Tommy guns? NoOH! I have it! My Gattling gun! [Takes aim and blows apart entire booth.] K IS THE WINNER! 

Carnie: Look what you did to my booth you lunatic! II curse you! 

Michael: This man sounds very angry Papa[begins to weep.]

K: Now look what you've done, you made my son cry! I am the only one who is allowed to do thatand possibly my wife, but she makes me cry as well! You didn't even give him a prize after I knocked down all those ducks! 

Carnie: [Dips into the pile of rubble and extracts a hat.] Here, take thisTHE CURSED HAT! Whenever your son wears it, he will not be able to control his emotions or bodily functions! He will be the butt of all the jokes in your district! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And one more thingit doesn't come off for five whole years after it is placed on the victim's head! [Manic cackle.]

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K: Pfft, yeah right - crazy Gypsy. Come on Michael, let's go on the Ferris wheel[Jams hat on his head.]

Michael: Papa! No! [Starts laughing uncontrollably, then bursts into tears, burping loudly.] 

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Michael: And that's why I spent my childhood alone[sniff.]

Betty: Dear God! You poor darling, I recommend you see a Doctor, you know, just in case the curse is still controlling you

Michael: Oh no, it's long gone now! [Suddenly spits everywhere and screams.]

Betty: [Frowns, covered in saliva.]

Michael: Sorry...re-lapse! I guess I'll see you next week - thanks Betty! [Starts singing.] "Whoa Black Betty bam-ba-lam Black Betty had a chiiiiild!"

Betty: Stop that!

Michael: Yes Ma'am

More to come! ^_^


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